judged???

Have you ever had one of those days where you just really feel like you're being judged? You know, someone is questioning your mothering, your wife-ing (made that word up, I know), your housekeeping...or anything else to which you can add an "-ing"?

Well, that is how I felt today. Unfortunately, it was my mothering. I do not respond well to that, AT ALL. I left a place today feeling so defeated...crying actually...and mad at my boys, unfortunately.

This is something I really need to give to the Lord over and over and over and over again.
Because really, God knows that I am trying...He knows me. He knows me better than anyone. He knows that I bathe these boys in prayer after prayer. He knows that I rejoice when they rejoice. He knows that I weep when I mess up. He knows that I get teary eyed when they do something new for the first time or write me the sweetest note EVER. He knows how badly I want them to grow up to love Him and serve Him. He knows that I am trying my very best to be more than even a wife and a mother, but a homebuilder who points them to Him continuously.

So, why is it that when someone makes a comment about one of my boys I feel so defeated and start questioning God? Today, I actually said to God, "why did you give me these boys? I just can't do it. I am not a good mother." What lies! I am a good mom...I am. I am. I am.

I am just a sinner saved by God's awesome grace who is trying to raise four boys who are also SINNERS! We are not perfect. My boys are not perfect. They will disobey, throw fits, hit other children (gasp); they will sin. All I can do is discipline in love and pray for the Spirit's guidance.

Oh well if someone questions me. Oh well if someone acts like my child is HORRIBLE because he didn't obey immediately...oh if it was only that easy. I lose sleep over things like this. I dwell on things such as this; can you tell?? Give it to the Lord; give it to the Lord...

Oh Lord, help me to remember that You look at my heart. Help me to move on and forgive. Help me to be sensitive to others and not to judge if someone does something differently. Father, thank You that you know me so well.

Sledding and scripture

Today my boys tried out their new sleds for the first time. We started out going down our driveway a few times and then eventually moved to a bigger hill in our neighborhood. They had a blast!!! It was a beautiful, sunny day...just VERY cold (upper teens/lower 20s).

They had a GREAT time! Ian went down the hill once...he went extremely fast! He said he had fun, but didn't want to do it again! Here are Nate and Kyle going down...which ended in a collision!


My sneaky five-year-old had the privilege to write the following scripture TWICE today.
I don't know how well you can read it, but it is Proverbs 14:2 which contrasts an upright and a devious person.

Well, Kyle is one SNEAKY guy!! I walked by his room today and could very clearly hear the "Star Wars" theme song coming from his supposed-to-be-quiet room. When I tried to open the door, I had to push pretty hard because a blanket was at the bottom of the door to "block the sound." He was playing a game on the computer after I had specifically told him that he couldn't. Sneaky, sneaky!!

Anyway, things like this have been happening pretty frequently with him...pretty normal for this age, I think...you know, like taking gum out of my purse and then denying it while smacking away. I've been using this verse with him, reminding him that because he says he loves God, he shouldn't be devious. Today was the first time I had him write it (twice because he later hid a candy cane under his shirt and asked if he could go take a nap...I knew that sounded pretty fishy.)

I have a feeling he is going to have this scripture written on his heart in no time.

the story of Ian's arrival

Shortly after Ian was born, I wrote the story of his arrival. It's kind of a long read, but I wanted to share it here. It was really good for me to read it again and to remember how God took care of our family during that scary time! Parts of this story Mike and I both didn't even remember! Plus, Ian has been quite the screamer lately; you may have even heard me comment that "he's driving me nuts!" Well, reading this is a great reminder of what a blessing Ian truly is!!

The Story of Ian’s Arrival

Ian Christopher Lowry was born at 8:58 a.m. on January 23, 2005. He weighed 5 pounds 12.8 ounces and was 18.5 inches long. He arrived 3 ½ weeks early!

Itching. The story of his early arrival actually begins 5 days earlier with me waking up scratching. My whole body itched. I mean REALLY itched.

In one out of 1000 pregnancies, women are affected by a condition called Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (ICP). I never win anything, but it seems as if I had become that unlucky one in 1000.

ICP, otherwise known as Obstetric Cholestasis, refers to a specific liver condition in which the normal flow of bile is impaired in a woman's body resulting in severe itching. ICP is associated with many risks, with the greatest being stillborn birth. I was a nervous wreck.

That Wednesday morning, January 19, I went to my OB’s office and they did a nonstress test, took a whole lot of blood, did an ultrasound, and told me that I was on complete bed rest. To my relief, the baby sounded great and looked good in the ultrasound. He was just really small. The estimated weight was 4 pounds 12 ounces, which is in the 14th percentile for a baby 35 weeks and 6 days. I went home in shock. I couldn’t believe that something actually was going wrong in my pregnancy. I also had begun losing weight instead of gaining.

I went back Thursday morning and Friday morning for more nonstress tests and blood work. My doctor, Dr. George, really wanted to hold off on delivering the baby until I was 37 weeks, which would have been January 27. He was concerned that the baby’s lungs wouldn’t be developed enough for him to breathe on his own. Meanwhile, like I mentioned before, I was on complete bed rest and was supposed to be monitoring the baby’s movements. If he wasn’t moving enough, I needed to go to the hospital immediately. Talk about pressure. I was so scared that I would miss him not moving and that he would die inside me. I just wanted to see our baby and hold him and kiss him and nurse him. I felt like this was going to be the longest week of my life.

My two dear friends here in Waterville, Lisa and Sue, set up a schedule to be at my house with my boys and to make sure I was in bed. They are such a blessing. I really was able to rest in bed and drink lots of water, all the while still itching like crazy!

God must have known that I couldn’t handle all the pressure because my water broke early Sunday morning, January 23. At 4:30 a.m., with Sue at my house with Nathanael and Kyle, Michael and I went to the hospital.

Because I wasn’t in active labor, Michael and I had a decision to make. I could either start drugs to induce labor or I could have c-section. My first son was born by cesarean birth, so the risk of my uterus rupturing increased with inducing labor. I was just so ready to hold my son that we opted for the cesarean. Just a few hours after we got to the hospital, I heard Ian Christopher Lowry crying and got to see him for the very first time! I was just praising the Lord and thanking Him for our little miracle!!

When Ian was just four hours old, a nurse brought him to me for the second time to try to nurse. He just couldn’t do it. He was snorting and grunting a lot. The pediatrician on call then came to tell us that something wasn’t right and that he needed to be put on oxygen. In an oxygen hood is where he would spend the first 3 days of his life with me in a room down the hall.

The doctors weren’t sure what was wrong with him. They had to tell us every possible bad thing it could be. They mentioned the possibility of moving him to a larger hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit. I was an emotional wreck. I just wanted to hold little Ian. It just didn’t seem right to not have my newborn baby with me. I couldn’t nurse him, couldn’t hold him, and couldn’t change his little diapers. It was hard for me to even get to see him at first because I had a major surgery and couldn’t walk. Everything just seemed to be going wrong.

Tuesday afternoon brought good news. Our pediatrician, Dr. Peters, diagnosed Ian with transient tachypnea of the newborn (TTN), which was the least scary of all the possible diagnoses. It basically is rapid breathing due to premature birth and fluid in the lungs. He said it usually lasts 2-7 days and then is over and the baby is fine. So I was ready to possibly be in the hospital for another 5 days.

On Tuesday night, Michael and I had our “Dinner for Two” that the hospital makes for the new parents. We had a date right in my hospital room. Our good friends Chris and Julie came to see us that night. Sue came to see us. Raychel, one of the girls from our church youth group, and Kelley, a lady from our church came to see us. They surrounded Michael and me and prayed for baby Ian.

On Wednesday morning at 5 a.m., Ian began to breathe on his own. It turns out he was on the short track of TTN. He stayed in the nursery for monitoring until around noon, and then I finally was reunited with my son. I was just praising the Lord all over again. I was able to nurse him and hold him and love on him! It was great. Big brothers Nathanael and Kyle came to see him that night and we took our first family picture as a family of five!

Ian and I were both discharged from the hospital the next day!

God is so good and so faithful to us! I praise Him for our little miracle.

Happy 4th Birthday, Ian

Ian is 4 today. Wow! It's hard for me to believe that it was 4 years ago when I delivered a little 5 pound baby boy. He was so TINY. Here he is this morning with his 4-shaped pancake!!


Last year I put together the following slide show (it has captions when you hold your mouse over each picture)!

Happy, happy birthday my sweet Ian!

a flying car!!!

Have you seen this???

A few weeks ago I made a comment about how I thought we'd be in flying cars by now! Well, I guess it is actually becoming a reality if you have $194,000 to spend! I think this mommy is going to be sticking to the ground for quite a while! Don't think I can trade in the mini-van YET :)

awesome-ness

So, I was just being silly by making up silly songs using the boys' full names...like Nathanael David, Nathanael David, Nathanael David is AWESOME...then I'd go tickle him.

Then, at the very end I added, "but no one is as awesome as GOD..."

To which Nate replies, "But mom, I am awesome. I can TAP DANCE." (He is building with Legos while he is saying this.)

me: huhhhuhnhuhhh???? *smile* thinking: Where in the world did that some from???


One day, this kid is going to grow up to be a tap-dancing, football-throwing, guitar-playing, Christian song-singing follower of Jesus!! (Please read here if you need further explanation.)

I know God has awesome plans for this little guy!

a new President

All morning, Nate and I have been watching the Presidential Inauguration ceremonies. As I watched and listened to the festivities, I found myself praying for President Obama and for the United States. We are so blessed to live in this country, definitely a land of plenty.

In President Obama's speech, he used words such as kindness, humility, courage, selflessness, nurture, honesty, hard work, loyalty, and patriotism. I found myself becoming more and more excited. Oh yes, I don't agree with all of his ideologies, but I like that he is passionate...passionate to make the United States a better place to live.

It is awesome to see how far this country has come in concern to civil rights. Yesterday, I was telling my Nate about MLK and how this country used to be divided. He said, "You mean I wouldn't have been able to play with Nate and Isaac from church if we lived back then?" I told him that's exactly what that means. He understood and was sad.

So now, all I can do is continue to pray for him and for our country, knowing that ultimately, God is in control. As I did on the day after President Obama was elected, I will end this post with these verses from Daniel 2...

Then Daniel praised the God of heaven and said:
"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.

21 He changes times and seasons;
he sets up kings and deposes them.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.

22 He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.

23 I thank and praise you, O God of my fathers"

God is awesome!!

a good Monday, for the most part

Today was a good day! Except for some crazy mommy moments that involved me and my screaming Ian, it was good. Oh, and Kyle fell off his top bunk TWICE; that wasn't good. Actually, he was JUMPING down both times and his pants (the first time) and his shorts (the second time) got caught on the protective railing on the side, and he tumbled to the floor. The second time his head caught the shelf of the bottom bunk's headboard. OUCH! He's okay...he says his head just hurts.

We did have school today! I talked to them about Martin Luther King, Jr. and what he did for our country. It's amazing what empathy little kids can have! Anyway, I was going to print off some coloring sheets for them to color while I talked about MLK, but I forgot to get our black ink cartridge refilled. No ink = no coloring sheets!

Here are some pictures of Nate's castle that he made using his Math U See blocks. I got the blocks out to start math time and then got side tracked because of the screaming 3-year-old. When I got back, he was in the middle of building this. Pretty creative!

a new week

I'm excited for a new week to begin. Yes, that's right...I'm excited!! Even when things kind of seem stinky, I trust my heavenly Father. I know that He truly has a plan for my family! We are His workmanship and He works all things together for our good. He sees the big picture!!

I just thought I would share that.

cheering up

Okay, so is my blog a total downer or what? I think I always am writing about how hard life is. I need to just get over it! God blesses me and blesses me and blesses me! That's what I need to be writing about!!

Take this for instance. I walked into my living room last week where Caden was sitting with his ankles crossed on the couch playing a Leapster game...well, maybe he was just pretending to play and pushing buttons. Tears filled my eyes. I love this little guy so much! What a blessing he is!! I immediately grabbed my camera...


Then, check out this picture! These are two of my closest friends, Steph and Lisette. God has totally used these two ladies to bless my life! My life is richer because of friends like these, both here and afar!

Also, since moving to Oklahoma, my mom and dad ("Mema" & "Papaw" to the kids) have become a huge part of our lives. I am SO blessed by her and my dad! They were both here this week. Here is Memaw playing cards with the boys...

I am blessed!!! Praise God for all my blessings! And, please, I give you permission to remind me when I start being all downer-like again!!!

there is one of me scaling a wall

There is one of me. No matter what, there is only one of me. I only have 2 hands, the ability to fully concentrate on one conversation, and only one mind.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THAT TO MY KIDS AND MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND???

Today, 3 of my 4 kids were all trying to speak to me (or whine or cry or yell) all at the same time. Then, the phone started ringing...I was thinking SERIOUSLY....AAAAHHHH!! I totally wasn't going to answer it.

Well, it stopped ringing. The one child who wasn't speaking, whining, crying, or yelling at me decided to ANSWER THE PHONE. Of course, all he did was push the "talk" button. I don't think he actually said anything. So then, I grabbed the phone and it was my 90-year-old grandma, who I love very much. Don't get me wrong. It just wasn't a good time.

I was already completely feeling overwhelmed when she started talking to me about something, I'm not for sure what. I tried really, really hard to nicely tell her that "right now is really not a good time" and "can I call you back in a little while?" But, to no avail...she is almost deaf and couldn't hear the whining, crying, or yelling in the background. Finally, we ended the phone call and then I burst into tears.

Today, I realized that no matter what, I am completely outnumbered. I am overwhelmed.

It's not even that anything necessarily BAD happened today, except for some sneakiness on my kids' part. For the most part it was just a typical day in our household, but today it got to me. I found myself just crying out to God, "Help me, help me, help me. I am overwhelmed. I need Your wisdom and understanding. Please, please, please help me."

Check this out:

2 Samuel 22:29-31

29 You are my lamp, O LORD;
the LORD turns my darkness into light.

30 With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

31 "As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

I really like verse 30, can you tell?? I'm telling you, raising these four little guys is tough, and it seems almost impossible, like scaling a wall. But with God's help, I can scale a wall!!! That totally makes me want to flex my muscles :) With God's help, I CAN DO THIS!!

Nate in the van

a conversation between Nate and me in the van (we were the only ones in the van):

Nate: Mom, I just can't decide if I want to play football on TV when I grow up or sing on the radio like Steven Curtis Chapman. (imagine the most indecisive, life-changing-decision voice)

me with a smile: Wow, Nate...I don't know. But, what I do know is that God has some AWESOME plans for you, and I can't wait to see what those plans are! Why don't you play football this fall, and we'll get you going on piano lessons! Then, we'll just see what you really like to do! (he has to start with piano before he can move to guitar, which is what he really wants to do!)

Nate: that sounds good.


I love this kid! I love that I can tell him with confidence that God loves him and has huge plans for him. I love that I can tell him that God will work all things together for what is best for Nate because he loves God. I love that I can teach him scripture even now at such a young age! I pray that he knows God loves him and will never forget that!

good-bye 2008, Welcome 2009

Okay, I must confess as a little girl that I thought we would all be driving/piloting flying cars by the year 2009!! Did anyone else think that??? (seriously, read the rest of the post, and then comment on this...I'm curious!)

Anyway, this year has been a year of trials, joys, and new ways of life! As I reflect upon this year, I remember my tough days, like the day I got really mad and broke my door/wall. In case you missed that, you can read about it here. Although it is definitely not something I am proud of, I still wrote about it because my blog is a place where I wear my heart on my sleeve and talk about my struggles as well as my accomplishments! I love my boys so much, but being a mommy is the hardest job/ministry I ever thought I would do.

Unfortunately, I also remember 2008 as the year that my husband worked and worked and worked and worked, sometimes 70 hours/week. I will remember that this year was a very hard year for our marriage. Even now though, I can praise God because I know that He is the Healer and can get us through anything! I didn't write about the marriage part that much on my blog, I don't think. I think I really wanted to hold my tongue and trust that God truly, truly works all things together for those who love Him...and oh, how I love Him, my heavenly Father!!

This year was also full of many joyous occasions! I have made some of the most awesome friends this year! What blessings! I also left my 20s this year....YES, this is JOYFUL!! I loved my 20s and look forward to what God has in store for me in my 30s. You can read the prayer I wrote on the eve of my 30th birthday here. I also have loved homeschooling my children. Oh yes, it has its hard days, but I just love spending time with them (well, not so much on the fighting days) and do treasure the time I get to spend with them. I love seeing them learn and experience new education milestones with them. I have had some awesome dates with my husband, even one that included an OU game! My family brings joy into my life, especially when I have the right mindset to allow myself to be joyful!

I will also remember 2008 as the year that I officially overhauled our family diet, eliminating from our house these 10 ingredients. With that, I also switched us totally to raw milk products and began making my own house hold cleaners, dishwashing soap, and laundry soap. I also eliminated paper towels and napkins (we still use toilet paper, don't worry *smile*). This adventure has led me to the aisles of Whole Foods versus those of Wal-mart, but it has definitely been an awesome change for us all. We all have been healthier and have been able to experience new recipes, new fruits, new vegetables....it's amazing to watch my young sons LOVE an organic spring mix salad with organic ranch dressing...sweet! I have began making more and more recipes completely from scratch (even chicken ON the bone) and learning so much along the way! It's been a fun food year! I find peace in knowing what is actually IN the food that goes into my body and my families' bodies!

So this year....here are some of my goals:
1. Do not put any holes into doors, walls, or ANYTHING else. In a nutshell, this means practice some self-control and working on my anger issue...God and I have some major pow-wowing to do!
2. Enjoy my kids more.
3. Pray for my kids more.
4. Love on my kids more.
5. Enjoy my husband more.
6. Pray for my husband more.
7. Love on my husband more (his love language, I learned this year, is quality time and words of affirmation...that is what I am going to work on!)
8. Tell my friends I am thankful for them more often.
9. Eat out less...even though I have done awesome with changing our diets AT HOME, we eat out entirely too much, which is not good for our bodies or the budget!
10. In addition to planning our dinners, plan our LUNCHES. This, hopefully, will eliminate drive-thru runs.
11. Love God more.
12. Pray more.
13. Memorize more scripture/write more scripture songs.
14. LOVE LIFE!! Smile at the future (you know, that whole Proverbs 31 thing)
15. Work-out more (I had to add that one, doesn't everyone include that one!)

So, I will end this post with a prayer over 2009:

Father, I praise You for my life. I praise You for caring about me. I praise You for loving me, even though I fail miserably, often. You have blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. Praise You for Mike, Nate, Kyle, Ian, and Caden. Help me, in Your strength and with the Holy Spirit's guidance, to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend. I give You me, completely. Use me this year to glorify You and to bring others to You. I love You. In Jesus name, Amen.